A Change in Life

Hey guys! I know it’s been a bit since I’ve written anything on this blog. It’s not that I’m inactive, but it’s just that life has been really crazy these past few months.

For those who don’t know, I don’t live in the best home environment. I moved home in December of 2014 as my final go at the University I was attending kind of busted. I came back to save money and get back on my feet, so I didn’t have to struggle as much, and it was only an hour to an hour and a half away from my best friends. However, as much as I love her, my mother and I have an extremely unhealthy relationship. While she has her loving moments, for many years she’s been cruel and both emotionally and verbally abusive towards me, with rare bouts of physical as well. I don’t want to get into super graphic details, but the short of it is that I spiraled into a depressive hole. Keeping a job was hard, working on art was impossible, I struggled to function between the lack of ADHD medication/regulation, living in an environment that was high stress and extremely controlling and a deep sense of self loathing.

These past few months have finally seen some changes, although the home situation has only gotten more tense. I’ve been lucky though, and I’ll be moving in with two lovely friends at the end of the week. It’s only a partial move, since we’ll be finding a bigger place together in July, and the leaving is very abrupt, since my parents are out of town and I’ll be leaving right before they return. It’s not the most mature of moves but it’s what I have to do, since trying to leave elsewise will result in a large fighting and screaming match as well as threats to keep me here. It’s not that my mother wants me here always, but she doesn’t want me leaving until she feels that I’ll be 100% set to succeed. But life isn’t like that, ever, and while I’m here I can’t pursue art fully, which is what I want to do for a career. I’m 26 and it’s time to take life into my own hands.

Anyway, I’ll be dealing with this for a bit longer, then I’ll hopefully have more time for writing. I’m also setting up an art portfolio tumblr! Whoo!

Just wanted to toss out a general sort of update thing. In a few weeks to a month, I should be stable and writing on a regular basis ❤

A New Year

Hey guys! It’s 2016! WHOOO!!!!

2015 was a pretty shoddy year for me, so I’m super happy that it is over. I’m really hoping that being on ADHD medication will help my focus, plus I have some excellent friends helping me with this transition. I hammered out my organizational systems that I’m going to be using for the year, which I may or may not talk about later in an ADHD related post.

I’ve tried really hard this year to set some solid goals while not going overboard. Most years, I write these huge, fucking elaborate lists that just….they never happen, even after the big production of making them. So this year, it’s about actually following what I put down. It’s about planning in reasonable amounts AND accomplishing the goals I set with my plans.

This year is also about trying to get my life in order. I’m not going to say it’s the year for getting my shit together because, honestly, no one ever has their shit together 100%. They just don’t. But I can work on getting myself established and moving towards a career goal of sorts. And after a lot of consideration, I think I realize what I’d like to do with my life.

By the end of 2020, I want to be at a high enough skill set and in a place in life where I can be a professional, full time artist.

Now, I know that this isn’t an easy road. This is an irl grind that breaks many a strong person, and some would call me foolhardy for pursuing it. Thing is, there isn’t a lot that I love in life- granted, there isn’t much I hate either. Usually, most everything for me falls in between liking a fair bit and disliking a fair bit, but very little sticks over time. I have hobbies that I cycle through a lot because of this, I get bored and I end up needing to trade something out for a time.

Yet, for all of my life, art has always been there for me in some capacity. I remember sketching and doodling for hours when I was younger. Most of it was absolute drek and was actually the same thing over and over, but there were really good things too, and I remember the sense of accomplishment for making something lovely.

I’ve been considering art as a career path for a bit now, but I wasn’t sure. And then the other day, after drawing a gift for a friend, I realized that I absolutely loved seeing something I’ve created come to life. I was…proud of myself. That’s not a feeling I’ve gotten for a long time. After the troubles I had in college and life, it is rare that I feel accomplished about anything. I often feel that I’m just a failure and it brings down even the most positive moments if I let that feeling in. Yet, after finishing that piece, that doubt was swept aside when I realized…I really love art. Even if at points it gets frustrating, even if I’m not always happy with myself, even if I have weak moments, I can DO this. And I know that it will never get old, because it’s always been there for me.

This is not an easy road to travel, but I am willing to do it, because it will be worth it in the end. To be able to get the sense of accomplishment, to watch my work come to life, to build myself…I crave this. I need it like a person wandering in the desert needs shade and water. After years of crippling self-doubt and fucking up so badly, I NEED to see my hard work pay off in front of me. The older generation may say that this smacks too much of instant gratification, but I say that we need a combination of seeing results now and working towards the future. You can’t just do the latter, no human can. We need to see our work blossom now as well as stepping forward.

So, yeah. I’ve made a big 5 year goal…the first in a long time. And I’m so excited.

And now for my actual 2016 resolution and goals!

My resolution for the year is actually more emotional than any sort of physical ‘goal’, per se, but it is no less important. This year, I want to put myself first, to work on loving myself and to learn to be able to appreciate my own accomplishments and acknowledge them, instead of putting myself down.

For concrete goals, I do have a fair few, but I feel they are all able to be accomplished and all worthwhile.

-I will move out of my current city and down to the city where I used to live/the surrounding area. It’s a better job market, a better environment and all my friends are there too. This is vital for mental health as well as for helping me cope with more responsibility.

-I will get a solid office job in this area as well, to support myself and allow for savings. I need regular hours to help my mind focus and I’m pretty decent with office work, so it’s the logical place for me to go.

-I will establish an actual savings account by the end of the year, instead of just ‘setting money aside’ for things. I have to have myself taken care of and be able to cope with emergencies.

-I will improve my budget making skills and abide by one on a regular basis to encourage good habits, save and help curb my impulse buying.

-I will finish my current, very overdue art queue by the end of January. This is crucial so that I can move forward in my art and present myself in a more professional manner.

-I will establish a regular working pattern for commissions to help push towards a more professional business model.

-I will expand my knowledge of my current art program, Easy Paint Tool Sai, including doing things like actually reading tutorials, etc, instead of doing just the bare minimum to get by.

-By the end of the year, I will have made my own website for taking commissions and to show off my working portfolio.

-By the end of the year, I will have worked on not only my anthro art (as most of my commissions currently come from the furry fandom) but will also be practicing and working on fantasy and humanoid art.

-I will continue to work and improve my management of the online resources of the Tradition, finishing things in a more timely manner as well as working on helping bring the community together, keeping things fresh and engaging.

-I will be more active on my own blog as well, posting regularly. Regular writing helps form an external sense of accountability, sharpens writing skills, expands online presence and is just a general fantastic habit in my mind.

-At the end of April, I will run my first half-marathon. My personal goal is under 2:00:00, and the goals my friends have added are placing in the top half of my age/gender group.

-I will meet a goal weight for myself by the end of the year where I feel self confident and enjoy my appearance, but that is also healthy and maintainable with an active and healthy lifestyle that does not require an insane regimen to do so.

-I will run a large race between June and December, to continue my running and fitness work. Running is very beneficial to my mind as well as body and I should continue pushing forward even after my half-marathon.

-I will work on maintaining my personal spiritual practice as well as involving more witchcraft into my daily life. I’m an initiated Witch, I need to get down and dirty more and stop being so theoretical all the time.

-I will organize and downsize my possessions. Quality over quantity should be my motto, with pretty much everything. Except books, because I don’t think it’s possible for me to get rid of a book. Ideally I will do a fair bit of this before I move, but some may have to take place after.

-I will read on a regular basis. This may seem kind of silly and basic, but sometimes one of my biggest passions gets obscured by the rest of the faster paced parts of life. I need my reading time.

So yeah, these are my goals for the year. It’s a lot, but they can definitely all be accomplished. I’ve got to work hard and push regularly towards them, but I know I can do this. I’ve got this shit on lock, and I’m going to blow 2016 out of the water.

I’m hoping to get at least one solid post on here a week, especially since I’ll be moving a lot of my more personal things to here (instead of FA or tumblr).

I hope you guys had a boss New Years and a kick ass weekend. Think about your own personal goals and totally hit me with what you have planned if you feel up to it!

-Nym